We are so hard on ourselves.
I realise this every time I talk to my friends, connect with strangers and oftentimes when the voice in my head is conducting yet another assessment of my progress. Our obsession with the ‘next thing’ is the thief that’s shifting our attention from focusing on the here and now. I grew up being a very ambitious child. I always wanted more for myself and expected myself to do more. I was to always stand out, I promised myself in the face of being ‘other’ and the homophobic comments and treatment that seemed to declare my status a secondary human.
Like many, academic excellence became my claim to being a first-class and thus a legitimate human being. The constant desire to ‘do more in order to be more’ unfortunately meant I was never enough. Nothing I did was ever enough because there is always the next thing to do. The thing is, I read a lot of motivational books that made it okay to never be enough after all ‘not being enough’ is the reason we are constantly pushing ourselves to be better.
However, the struggles of being an adult have shown me that life is tough enough without needing any help from me, particularly being a black gay man trying to find his place in this world that’s constantly reminding me of how out place I am. I am learning daily that it is not necessary for me to add any salt to the inflicting that life can be. In an effort to live a joyful and meaningful life, I am learning the importance of celebrating the smallest milestones in our evolving lives and the moving through the world knowing that we are inherently good, accolades or not.
It hasn’t been tradition in my life to give myself a decent pat on the back for having made progress, for taking that first step and oftentimes achieving that goal. Every time a part of me is inclined to celebrate the smallest milestone, I find myself shying away from celebrating for fear that I’ll be complacent with a small milestone and think that I’ve made it and never achieve anything bigger. In my efforts to be kinder to myself over the years, I have that nothing could be further from the truth. Celebrating the smallest milestones gives me the confidence and courage to keep ploughing ahead in the face of life’s challenges.
The more I think of myself as being enough, as being inherently good and deserving of a good life regardless of my accolades, the less fearful I am to dream and set goals. The danger with the idea that you have to ‘do more in order to be more’ is that your personhood becomes dependent on accolades and that pressure can be soul crushing. I am learning to operate from a place of being enough and operating with the knowledge that I matter regardless.
So here’s to celebrating the milestones that have led to where we are now. If it’s not the most idea place, it’s almost always better than some point in your life and that’s still worth celebrating. More and more, I am becoming comfortable with the idea that I can do more without having to break myself down first. I am learning to build my personhood on the foundation that I am good and that it can only get better from here. Not the other way around.
All of this to say to you, celebrate yourself more. Celebrate the evolution of who you are, who have been and who you are becoming. The uniqueness of your story is nothing to be taken for granted. Celebrate your progress, however small, more than you point out your shortcomings. No one is all evil. Find that glimmer of light in you and let yourself lean towards it. Do things that make you happy and go out of your way to be grateful for the smallest things. Instead of being passive agents in the progression of our lives, how about we learn, with each day, to see ourselves as active agents who are co-creating a unique force of nature that is me along with the universe that has aligned stars and people in ways that are beyond our knowledge and control. I am grateful for who I am becoming and am excited to participate in that process.